Fundas of Life

“U love someone

U marry someone else.

The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.

And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id”
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There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.
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If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok,

If someone says u r a genius slap him as tight as you can cos there is limit of kidding n someone just crossed it.
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Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects…
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Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.
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Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
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What’s the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and

Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

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Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.
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The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Intelligence

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani were arrested for consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

“It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your Indian culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” Sardar replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

And what is your second wish, ?” the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!

KHABARDAR KISINE AB SE SARDAR KA MAZAAK UDAAYA TO

Kidnapping by Sardar Ji

KIDNAPPING BY A SARDAR... TOO GOOD!

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.

In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

Sardarji then wrote a note saying:

"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".

Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:

"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."

Signed: Another Sardarji

George W Bush Joke

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

Types of Girls

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t try to uninstall her … you will lose everything…

Smuggling

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, ‘What’s in the bags?’ ‘Sand,’ answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, ‘We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.’

Iqbal’s guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the sardarji’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, ‘What have you got?’
‘Sand,’ says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn’t show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a ‘Dhaba’ in Islamabad.

‘Hey, Buddy,’ says Iqbal, ‘I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?’

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, ‘Bikes’

Laws of Life

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.

Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Smart Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

Dear Mr. Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have
bought a computer for our home and we found problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open
e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in
Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears,
but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed
appears, but we face this problem only in password
field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and
he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with
password *****. I request you to check this as we
ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the
'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop"
button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my
friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we
request you to change that to "sit", so that we can
click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in
system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter
at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working
properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot
for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to
trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect
my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG
to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money
for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when
are u coming to my home to collect ur
money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to
learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide
that?

Best regards,

Banta Singh

If You love Someone

ORIGINAL QUOTE

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....


THE NEW VERSIONS...

Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time
forget her.

Patient:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

Playful:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back,
and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer:

if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act
clearly states that...

Bill Gates :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

Statisticians :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you,
the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.


Schwarzenegger's fans:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person:

If you love someone
don't set her free.

HR specialist:

If you love someone
set her free by
Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA:

If you love someone
set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist:

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist:

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert:

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert:

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist:

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the

Making Happy

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

An MBA and Engineer

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see ..
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute:

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Road Flirting

Boy to Girl : Janeman, Is Dil mein Aa ja.
Girl : Sandal Nikalo Kya ?

Boy: Dhat Pagli, Mandir thode hi hai, eise hi Aaja.

Best Sardar Ji Joke

Money Needed
Santa Singh needed some money desperately.
Someone told him that if goes & prays at Gurudwara, Mosque, Church & a temple, that his prayers will surely be answered. So Santa goes to a Gurudwara, & prays there. Then he goes to a Mosque and prays there. Than he goes to a church and prays there. Then he goes to a Shiv temple. The temple had a large Lord Shiva statue.
Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Saannoo 100 rupayen chahiye. Kirpa karo."
The priest saw Santa praying. He wante to help Santa, but knew that a Sikh will never accept the money. So he drops a 100 rupee note, from behind the statue, so that Santa can not see him. After Santa had said his prayers, and opened his eyes. He saw the note and thought that god has listened to his prayers. He takes the note and goes away.

However he is back again next day for money. Now the priest is really annoyed with Santa. The Priest decides that he is not going to give any more money to Santa. He changes the big Shivji statue with smaller one of Ganapathi that day. Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the difference. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer. Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Ajj to saannoo 50 rupayen hi chahiye. Kirpa karo." After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money.

Santa: "O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Asee 10 rupayen me hi kaam chala lenge. Kirpa karo jee." After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. He slowly raises his head and now notices that small Ganapthi statue. He carefully looks left and than right, & than slowly moves a bit forward near the statue.

Than he whispers to the Statue: "Beta, Papa kitthe hai?!?!!

Sardar Ji Jokes

Wash Basin
A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai "Wash Basin".

Three Engines
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Mankuwa City to Sukhpur city, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Detective Job
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Sardarji replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

Urine Test
Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything. So the other asked,"Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked," So? Are you afraid?" First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

Bihari-Sardar
A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he's in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes! After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to 'sardars' in his joke with 'Biharis'. He starts the jokes with, "There was once a Bihari..." And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, "Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?"

Wrong Answer
Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at DEMAN CONSTRUCTION office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager Mr. Arvin Singh. Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy". Santa: And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong. "Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer. And you wrote 'Neither do I'!"

Road to Station
Sardarji praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road near his house. "Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done! The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the railway station to my house!!!!!!!!"

Green TV
Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have colour TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please."

Just a second
Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" "Just a sec," says the receptionist. "Thank you." says the Sardar and hangs up.

Salary Expected
Sardarji is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes.

Crocodile Boots
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs, angrily exclaims: "71st and *again* barefoot!"

Thermos Flask
Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask." The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a Thermos flask." The boss asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

Answering Machine
Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home. Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."

Photocopies
What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies? He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Photocopy
What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra sheet? He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.

Free Punjab
There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically." All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

Small TV
Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Below 18
Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.

Hand Grenade
What do you do when Sardarji throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Hand Grenade-2
What do you do when Sardarji throws a pin at you? Run like crazy...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Joke On Wednesday
How do you make Sardarji laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Hands over ear
What was Sardarji doing when he held his hands tightly over his ears? He was trying to hold on to a thought.

Ice Cubes
Why can't Sardarji make ice cubes? He always forget the recipe.

Kill The Bird
How did Sardarji try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.


Lightning
Why does Sardarji always smile when a lightning blazes?
He thinks his picture is being shot.

Shoes
Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

Fax
How can you tell when Sardarji sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Second One
Why can't Sardarji dial 911?
He can't find the Second 1 on the dial.

Dead Bird
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardarji looked skyward and asked, "Where, Where?

Smart Sardars and UFOs
What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

Sardar Snowman
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

8 kms a Day
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran 8 kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kg
At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home.

Jurassic Park
Sardarji goes to see The Jurassic Park.
When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat.
His friend asks him,"Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai?
Dar kyun lag raha hai? Cinema hi to hai."
Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai,pata hai ki cinema hai,
lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata."

Suicide
Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks...
takes along some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks,
"Kyon bhai ye sab kyun leke baithe ho?"
Sardarji replies, "Saali train late aati hai
kahin bhook se na marjaun.."

20 Rupees
Sardarji is travelling by train.
He feels sleepy, so he gives the guy opposite 20 rupees to wake him up when his station comes.
This guy is a barber. He feels that for 20 rupees Sardarji deserves more.
So, when Sardarji falls asleep, the barber quietly shaves off his beard.
When the station arrives, he wakes up Sardarji and sends him home.
Reaching home, he goes to wash his face, and suddenly screams when he sees the mirror.
Sardarni asks, "What's the matter?"
"The cheat on the train takes my 20 rupees and wakes up someone else!"

Donkey
Having lost his donkey Sardarji, got down
to his knees and thanked God.
A passerby saw this and asked,
"Your donkey is missing. What are you thanking God for?"
Sardarji replied, "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that
I wasn't riding the donkey at that time,
otherwise I would have been missing too."

Chinese
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills the birth certificate. "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" "
Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it said every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

Rubi, Moti and Sardarji
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space.
The ground control issues commands, "Rubi!"
"Woof!" (barking sound ) "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

Clock Tower
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

Driver
Santa and Banta Singhs landed up in Bombay and got into a doubledecker.
Santa somehow managed to get a bottom seat in the bus. Unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. When the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to look up Banta, found Banta in badly scared, clutching the seats in front with both hands.
Santa asked, "Arre Banta! What's going on? Why so scared?
I was enjoying my ride down there? Scared Banta replied, "Yeah, but you've got a *driver*."

Called Again
Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called again."

31 Years Old
Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions hisfather.
"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half
the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "
Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question,
"Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from
1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father,
"Dad,today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old.

Oxygen Tube
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, Santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper,and Santa used his
last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.Banta singh thought
it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but
knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.". He
unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Thought
Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how he had fared. He replied, "Exam was okay, except for the past tense of 'think'. I thought, thought, thought and at last, I wrote 'thunk'!"

Keep Smiling

SMS Collections

• Banta:Santa where were u born?
Santa: punjab.
Banta: which part.
Santa: oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in Punjab".

• Kya kahun tujhe khwab kahun to toot jayega. dil kahun to bikhar jayega, aa tera naam zindagi rakh dun, maut se pehle to tera saath chhut na payega!

• Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: DHOKLA

• Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

• With atomic and meteoric regards, my volcanic impulse trembles every time I greet a person with a magnitude of character and charm like you.

• Let everyday b a dream u can touch, let everyday b a luv u can feel, let everyday b a reason to live bcoz life indeed is beautiful. Have a Gud day.

• Our friendship is like playing on a see-saw, not only bcoz its always fun being with u but also bcoz I won't mind going down to see u rise.

• Look at the ocean & see God's abundance! Look at the sky & see God's glory! Look at the moon & see God's wonder! Look at the mirror & see God's blunder!

• If I'm in hell & u r in heaven, I'll luk up & b glad of u. If I'm in heaven & u r in hell, I'll pray 2 God 2 send me down coz the heaven is not heaven without U

• Eyes: To look at you; Hands: To pray for you; Mind: To care for u; Heart: To love you and Legs: To kick u if u forget me.

• Night has end for another day, morning has come in a special way. May you smile like the sunny rays and leave your worries at the blue bay.

• Come, work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

• Some friends r worth 2b thrown, some r good 2 keep, some r 2b treasured 4 ever. I think u r the one 2b thrown in the treasure box 2b kept 4 ever.

• Sometimes my mind asks: Why I miss u? Why I care 4 u? Why I remember u? Then my heart answers: B’coz a mental patient needs more care.

• Another month, another year, another smile, another tear, another winter, another summer too but there will never be another you!

• Banta: What's the definition of bravery?
Santa: A man with a bad case of diarrhea taking a chance with a huge fart.

• If loving u is wrong, then I don't wanna b right. My luv 4 u is strong & brighter than any light. The way we must go is long, but we'll win every fight.

• Stars have 5 ends, squares have 4 ends, triangles have 3 ends, lines have 2 ends, life has 1 end, but I hope our friendship has no end.

• A bell is no bell 'til u ring it, a song is no song 'til u sing it & luv in ur heart wasn’t put there to stay - luv isn’t luv 'til you give it away.

• One tree can start a forest, one smile can start a friendship. One touch can show you care, one friend can make life worth living for.

• It must have been a rainy day when you were born, but it wasn't really rain, the sky was crying because it lost its most beautiful angel.

• Everyone wants 2 be the sun that lights up ur life. But I'd rather be ur moon, so I can shine on u during ur darkest hour when ur sun isn't around.

• A friend is sweet when its new but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But you know what? It's sweetest when its you.

• The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

• Its true that we don’t know what we've got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we've been missing until it arrives.

• Loving is not how u forget but how u forgive, not how u listen but how u understand, not what u see but how u feel & not how u let go but how u hold on.

• My eyes r hurting coz I can’t see u, my arms r empty coz I can’t hold u, my lips r cold coz I can’t kiss u & my heart is breaking coz I m not with u.

• Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle. Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.

• Roses r red voilets r blue, monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel angry u will find me there too, not in cage but laughing at u.

• I want you 2 know that our friendship mean alot 2 me. U cry i cry. U laugh I laugh. U jump out of the window... I look down & den... I laugh again.

• Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in ur hands all day. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper, so I cud have a new one everyday.

• Sincere Apology: If u dont like any of my SMS n dont like 2 read, then plz dont hesitate, feel free to..... throw ur mobile!!

• I’ve written nice poem 4 you. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.. You should Know What you R.. & Once you Know What you R.. Mental Hospital is not So Far..

• Scientists all over the world r wondering how long a human being can live without a brain... Kindly tell them ur age...

• A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar werry samaarat end gudd lukeeng mak manee spallings misstake... Vatt iz yorr opeeneum?

• God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.

• Little birdy in the sky, You look up and it shits in your eye. You don't mind and you don't cry, You just thank God that cows don't fly.

• What happened 2 ur network? I tried 2 call u but the operator said "Welcome 2 the jungle, the monkey u r trying to call is on the tree....Plz try later."

• There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed and of course a donkey to pay her bills!!

• Do you take me 2 be ur lawfully loveable fren, 2 have and 2 hold, 4 rich quotes or corny jokes, in text messaging & in poor signal, till low battery do us part?

• God made Coke, God made Pepsi, God made ME, so damm SEXY! God made rivers, God made LAKES, God made U, well everybody makes MISTAKES!!

• A small kid wrote to SANTA CLAUSE, "send me a brother". Santa wrote back, "send me ur mother".

• Hearts could only love 4 a while u can put many relations in a file, u can make a desert from the Nile, but u can’t stop my smile when I c ur name on my phone.

• U may be out of my sight, but not out of my heart. U may be out of my reach, but not out of my mind. I may mean nothing to u but u'll always be special to me.

• Salesman: Sir, this computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Santa: That's great, I'll take two of them.

• An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!

• I love you more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorow.

• U must b tired coz u hv been running through my mind, u gotta b a thief coz u hv stolen my heart n I must hv been a bad shooter coz I keep missing u.

• I used to think that dreams do not come true, but this quickly changed the moment I laid my eyes on you.

• When somebody who's deeply in love with u tells u that you're cute, beautiful and angelic, I agree. That's true, believe me, I swear coz love is blind.

• Words begin with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do, re, mi and friendship begins with U and ME!

• Faith makes all things possible, love makes all things easy, hopes makes all things work, but ur gorgeous smile brings all faith, luv & hope in me!

• Here's to the bright New Year and a fond farewell to the old; here's to the things that are yet to come and to the memories that we hold.

• Wishing u 12 months of happiness, 52 weeks of fun, 365 days of laughter, 8760 hrs of Gud luck, 525600 min of joy, 31536000 secs of success in 2005 & always.

• May the New Year bring with it new colors of joy, new hues of happiness & new tints of success. Sending u a spectrum of wishes 2 brighten ur days.

• Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A: Because they advertised 'free delivery'

• Friendship is an onion. It has many layers in it. Adds taste to your life, but if you try to cut it you will get nothing but tears!

• Love is painful, it is true; not to love is painful too.. But it gives a greater pain to love and not to be loved again

• Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola: "Menu koi farak nahin penda. Pehle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon."

• I wanted to kill the most sweetest, smartest and most beautiful person on earth. ...Then I thought SUICIDE is crime under sec 309 IPC

• I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised that loving a friend is even better; v lose ppl v love but v never lose true friends.

• May the Christmas brings smiles at ur doorstep, joy in ur heart and luv n togetherness of friends n family in ur home. Merry Christmas!

• When you are counting all your friends, the oldest, the best & the new...
I wud like to stand by ur side & say two little words..."ME TOO"

• If u were going to die soon & had only one phone call u could make, who would u call & what would u say? And why are u waiting?

• U may be out of my sight but not out of my heart. U may b out of my reach but not out of my mind. I may mean nothing to u but u'll always b special 2 me.

• Luk at the world as 1 big chocolate cake. It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts. Sweet like ME & nut like U.

• Loving is not how u forget but how u forgive, not how u listen but how u understand, not what u see but how u feel & not how u let go but how u hold on.

• When u smile the world smiles with u. When u r down people’ll rally behind u but when u fart u r alone coz people'll never stand by u!

Be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart for this may mean that there's still enough space 4 another girl on top.

• A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without the tongue, so open ur mouth & close ur eyes & give ur tongue some exercise.

• The best gift you can give is a hug; one size fits all and no one ever minds if you return it.

• You should do two things in the morning- 1) Pray to God so you can live and 2) have a shower so others can live.

• Friendship is like peeing in ur pants. Everyone can c it but only u can feel its true warmth. Thanks 4 being the pee in my pants.

• Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man, but behind a satisfied woman there is an exhausted man.

• When u r down & no one is there, don't think of me. When u r crying & no one is there then too don't just think of me, call me up, my incoming is free.

• Luk at the world around u; u’ll see God's creativity. Luk at the breakfast table; u’ll see God's providence. Look at the mirror; u’ll see God's sense of humor.

• Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small people talk about others & legends never talk, they send SMS

• Like energy, love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can just be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.

• Last night I wanted to write you a letter but all I could write was - noh ss!W ! It doesn't make sense until you read it upside down!

• Never say u r happy when u r sad. Never say u r fine when u r not ok. Never say u feel gud when u feel bad. And never say u r alone when I’m still alive.

• One day you will ask me what's more important 2 me, you or my life? I will say my life & you will leave me without realising that you are my life.

• Through each day our goal is to touch one's heart, encourage one's mind & inspire one's soul. May u continually b blessed & b a blessing to others! GUD DAY!

• Love is just like life, it's not always easy and does not always bring happiness but when we do not stop living why should we stop loving.

• Hey friend, remember that without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty so the world needs U after all!

• A million words couldn't bring you back I know because I've tried, neither could a million tears I know because I've cried.

• There are Tulips in my garden, there are Tulips in the park but nothing is more beautiful than our two lips meeting in the dark!

• Friends come n go, me...??? NEVER! I'll stay and trouble you as long as I can!

• I have liked many but loved very few yet noone has been as sweet as u. I'd stand & wait in the world's longest queue just 4 the pleasure of a moment with u.

• U can b a doctor & save lives, a lawyer & defend lives, a soldier & protect lives or simply b urself, a sweet person who touches hearts!

• What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.

• Hi! Need one gal 2 marry... Age no bar, Color no bar, height no bar, caste no bar, but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS

• God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law

• A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar vary samaart end gud lukeeng maik manee spallings meestaikes... vaat ees yorr opeeniun?

• Life can b hard & not always fun. But as night brings dark morning brings sun. When life gets tough & no1 seems 2 care give me a call coz I'll always b there!

• Morning doesn't mean getting up & working again. It rather means GOD luvs u so much that he lets u live another day 2 do more of the gud things.

• To live this life I need a heartbeat, to have a heartbeat I need a heart, to have heart I need happiness, to have happiness I need you!

• When you are down and no one is there, don't think of me. When you are crying and no one is there then too don't just think of me. Call me up, my incoming is free.

• Those who can't have you hate you, those who have you can't handle you, those who abuse you lose you, & then there are those like me who just can't refuse you!

• A friend is 1% funny, 2% sweet, 3% caring, 4% loving, 90% good looking.
Thats why I am your friend! You are so lucky.

• I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you a lot...
I love you like crazy because Maneka Gandhi says love animals !!!!

• Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money & even lose your mind. But one thing you’ll never loose is your good looks because you cant lose what you don't have.

• This is to formally announce that I have started accepting Diwali gifts in Cash, Cheques, Sweets and Chocolates etc (no flowers plz). Avoid holiday rush, send now.

Some SMS Fun

• Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

• If ever in your life u r very sad n feel that u have lost everything, I’ll come, hold ur hand, take u 4 walk on a bridge and show u where 2 jump from.

• Last night, thinking of u, one tear rolled out. I asked, why are u out? Tear said, there is someone so beautiful in ur eyes, now there is no place 4 me.

• Dil mein ek shor ho raha hai, bina SMS dil bore ho raha hai,
Kahin aisa tho nahin ke ek pyara sa dost, mujhse door ho raha hai.

• What is the difference between blood and you? Blood enters the heart and flows out but you entered the heart and stayed.

• Friendship is like the relation between hand and eyes. It's like when the hand gets hurt, eyes cry and when the eye cries, the hand wipes.

• People vanish, people die. People laugh and people cry. Some give up, some will try. Some say hi, while some say bye. Others may forget, but never will I.

A great Year

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels “duh” …bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April - Trapped on escalator for hours…..power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid…..8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm…..car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???

October - Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn’t call 911…..”duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Some Applications for Leave

Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my
wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
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This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing
the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
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Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
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From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for
it, please grant me 10 days leave."
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Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may
not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
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A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I
request you to leave me today"
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Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
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Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
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Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my
below..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband
at home I may be granted leave".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
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A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist
and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the
past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I
am applying for the post.

Tech Support Jokes

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID
SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE.

TAKE A LOOK:
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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2). Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same
error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3). Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
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4). Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$(welll pretend to smile)
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5). Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the 'OK'
button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support:
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6). Tech Support: : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
Tech support::
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7). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
Tech support::
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8). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
Tech support::
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9). Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
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10). Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support::
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11). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the
computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support::
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12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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13). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support::
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NOW THE BEST ONE

14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech:(keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and
fed up.
Tech support::(hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented
DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS . Letme know how it
goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE.
Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file.
Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech support:: How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support::(hush hush)
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking
questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

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15). customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I
help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
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Long Jump

Tony lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in
Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every
night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and
found there was a wait for the next boat, So Tony
decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he
was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry
slip, the ferryboat was just six feet from the dock.
Tony, afraid of missing this one and being late for
dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the
deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud
Tony to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you
wait? We were just pulling in!"

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts...
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Bump on head

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

Kisses

Ek Aadmi ne apni wife ko khat likha "Is mahine salary
ke badle 100 kiss bhej raha hoon"
Wife ne jawab diya Aap key salary ke badle 100 kiss
milay:
Hisaab bhej rahi hoon-
1. Doodh wala 2 kiss mein maan gaya,
2. Teacher ko 7 deni padi.
3. Sabjiwala 7 mein nahin man is liye 9 deni padi.
4. Kiranewala sirf kiss se nahin mana - Usko aur kuch
bhi diya.
5. Makaan malik to roj 6 - 7 ley jata hai.
Aap chinta mat karna,mere paas abhi lagbhag 35 aur
hai. Mahina aaram se kat jayega.

Some more Jokes

Banta: When did George Washington die?
Santa: two days before his funeral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Banta: Tell me five FEROCIOUS animals you can think of........
Santa: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted
area. The Judge askd him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of their parents
achievements to each other.
Santa Singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta Singh : Yes I have.
Santa Singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta Singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
Santa Singh : Yes I have.
Banta Singh : Well, my father killed it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Banta Singh on Interview

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer: ........!!!!!!!

Missed

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Sh*t, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Sh*t, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Sh*t, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Sh*t, I missed."

Some Sardar Ji Jokes

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man
says "Chin Yu Yan" and dies. Sardar goes to China to
find meaning of friends last words. It is "you're
standing on the oxygen tube!!"

A sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After
seeing the Form, he had gone to DELHI for filling up.
U know why? Form says " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid. A Sardar
stands up - we must find & stop her!

Sardar: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why
others are running?

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. Again
had twins & named Peter & Repeater. Again twins &
named Max & Climax.Again the same.
Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral function.
Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why? He said "SMILE
PLEASE"

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail".

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he
does this. Sardar: "I've been promoted as branch
manager."

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth.........WHY? Because his doctor advised him
"Today's dinner should be light".

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He
was not sure also what to be filled in column "Salary
Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes!

One sardarji Professor asked a plumber to come to his
college. U know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is
leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

My other Blog !!!!!

This is an announcement for Star Jokes blog. Apart from Jokes I have another blog featuring

some cool stuffs. Which is available on :

http://adityastar.blogspot.com

Visit and enjoy

Aditya

A nice Joke

Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview
ho rahe the. Ek ladka Bhi interview dene ayaa.ladke ko
angrezi aati nahin thi, to usko manager ne reject kar
diya. Ladke ne manager se kaha, aapko sale se matlab
hona chahiye angrezi se kya? aap mujhe chance dein,
agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena.
Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh
liya gaya. Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale
dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi.
Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se
kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai. Malik showroom
par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod
bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer
se deal karte dekhne lagaa. ladke ne fishing-rod bech
di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka
bola Rs.800/-. yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes
dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing
karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye,
customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.Ab ladke ne
kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap
bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega,customer ne cap bhi
kharid li.
Ab ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar
karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi
le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye. Ladka bola
machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/-
ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid
li. ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka. Malik bahut khush
hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke
salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha
aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.
Ladka bola, woh aadmi to"Carefree sanitary pack"
khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par
kya karega, Machchli pakad.

Albert Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get
back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another dinner,
Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat
resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of
speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it
for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the
chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The
chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech
and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely
esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here
and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was
nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor
with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that
question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is
sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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