How China produces such fast runners

Chinese track coach was asked how they are producing such fast runners.
Coach: It’s really quite simple, we use real bullets in our starting guns!

घर चलाना

रामू : चाचा कैसे हो?
चाचा : अब क्या बताऊ
बड़ा बेटा शेयर ब्रोकर है,
दूसरा बेटा जेट एयर्वेस में है और,
तीसरा सॉफ्टवेर इंजिनियर है और,
सबसे छोटा पानवाला है , अब वही घर चला रहा है ।

Position Vs Performance

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED.'

Moral of the story: It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Khan Sahab

News reporter:
KHAN SAAB ye batain k plateform
par kharay saray pathan kaisay maray?
Pathan: aik elan hua k train plateform per aa rahi hai,
sub ne patri par chalang laga di.
Reporter:Phir aap kaisay buch gaye?
Pathan:main khudkushi k liye patri per leta tha,
ye elan suna to main plateform per ja ker lait gaya:)

Once more Sardar Ji

3 sardar bed pe so rahy thy,
un tenon ko jaga theek
se nahi mil rahi thi.
phir 1 sardar bed se niche sone laga.

2nd sardar: ab jaga ho gai hai, uper ajaa.

Son of a Bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That`s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That`s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That`s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That`s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Genius Dr. Computer

One day, Banta complained to Santa, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
Santa said, "Don`t bother. There`s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs Rs.500."
Banta figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the Rs.500. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, outpopped a small slip of paper which read: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So Banta decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the Rs.500. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren`t yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don`t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Funny Sports Pics

Phantom Strikes Again

The teacher comes into the classroom to find `SHIT` written on the blackboard. The teacher gets very furious on reading it. However, the experience got the better of her and she tries to address the problem in a cool fashion.
She goes, "We are going to take care of this on the honour system. We are all going to shut our eyes while I count up to hundred, and when we open the eyes, I want that to be erased."
They all close their eyes and she counts. Piter-patter. "One hundred!"
They open their eyes and look. On the floor below the blackboard is a fresh pile of shit, and chalked above it is "The Phantom strikes again!".

Way to Heaven

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Some Question and Answers

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

Blonde Selling Car

Blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it

How to please Men and Women

A Picture to show what is needed to Please a Woman and What is needed to Please a Man.

In Suhagraat

Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde
ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.

Laloo Applying for Job at Microsoft

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft
Corporation, USA.
A few days later he got this reply: *

*

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates.** *

*
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi
hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued... ... "Ab hum aap sab ko
apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai -
isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.*

*
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne
ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.*

Sword Fight

Once there was a sword competition & players from many countries took part in that.

From India Mr. Santa Singh took part.

First player came from Germany. He swings the sword & cuts a very thin wire into two parallel parts. Then comes a Japanese & he cuts the even more thin wire into two parts.

Then comes our very own Santa Singh.

He took the sword in one hand & flew a mosquito in the air.

He swings the sword over the mosquito, but mosquito flies away. Then the judge asked "Kya Santa Singh Ji, machhar to ud gya".

Santa replied, " Ud to gya, per ab kabhi baap nahi banega"

Wife

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Meeting the Manager

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his
full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into
his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I
can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Asking GOD for a million Dollors

Man:god how long is a million years to u?
GOD:a minute.
MAN:and a million dollars?
GOD:a rupee.
MAN:can u give me a rupee?
GOD:just a minute

A Perfect Birthday Gift

Here is a perfect birthday gift which all men will love to recieve.

Demands

A prostitute aftr taking sardarji's dick in her mouth. "1000 rs de varna isko kaat doongi." Sardarji:"5000 de varna su su kar doonga"

Helping Nisha

Teacher: what u wish to do in future? MOHAN: I want to be a pilot VINAY: I want 2 be Doctor NISHA: I want 2be mother RAJU: I want 2help Nisha

Boost Secret

Tendulkar's wife gave birth to twins. In pres report he said "BOOST" is the secret of my energy. Suddenly sehwag came in and said "our energy".

Feel like a woman

A woman removed her @jeans, throws it at her boyfrnd n said MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN. Guy removed his @jeans, threw it at the women n said WASH BOTH THE JEANS

Computer Trouble

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!

Whos Beer Best

After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top
brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.

The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in
the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him

The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world
worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."

The bartender serves him.

The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer,
drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."

The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.

The other brewery bosses were surprised and said, "Hey Vijay, how come
you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"

"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither will I"

Changing Will

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman came
back in a month time to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'

In Cinema

Sardar is repeatedly buying movie tickets. Finally the ticket seller asks him y? Sardar says, some guy standing at the door is tearing my ticket!

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a
pharmacist.'

Horror Story

True Horror, which took place last month. This happened about a month ago near Lonavala
A guy was driving from Mumbai to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway as he wanted to see the scenery.. The inevitable happens and when he reached the ghats his car breaks down. He's stranded miles from nowhere
Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town
It was dark and pretty soon he got wet and shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him. Without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights
It's a small town.

He stumbles into a dhaba, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through

There is dead silence in the dhaba when he stops talking
And that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk into the dhaba
Santa points and says, "Look Banta, that's the weird guy who got into our car when we were pushing it"

The Salesman

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a Haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... This now had a button sewn on the end.

A Story

My friend lives in Delhi ... One day he went to Gurgaon to visit his
uncle for some days. One evening he and some other of my college
friendswent to Amit's home for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it
wasvery late. He reached Gurgaon around midnight.... ..

He had to walk about a mile from where his friend dropped him.... As he
waswalking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as it was
sodark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy looking guy
selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like
that..... It got the shivers on him when he noticed that da old guy is
unusually pale and staring at him...
The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you
company". Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of
his
life .........

My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his
collection.. he noticed that all the books were related to supernatural
activities.. .but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked
the
old man "how much is it?"....

The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an interesting book...it's
only
for Rs 250. "

My friend was shocked and said "but...but.. .it's expensive"

This time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My friend quickly
checked all his pockets & found Rs.200 & said "This is all
I hav e." The old guy replied "It's OK son ...you can have the book
for that price"

As ! my friend was just about to run for home...the old man called
back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book
to it's last page... remember these words or you would regret
it...!!!!!"

My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he
quickly asked his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller
nearby? The Uncle replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that
there's 1 old man comes once in a while during full moon nights but
heard
that there is something creepy about it...why son?"

My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just
asking". He started reading the book with the old man's words on
his mind. At night, 2 o'clock , as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew
which
chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had
blown
the pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said!
But we
humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped
to
the last page & fainted...

What he saw at the last page is stated below:
I too advise you not to go further down
Specially if you have a weak heart, I WARN YOU ......... ......









































.
Original price:-- Rs. 20/-
Promotional price:-- Rs. 10/-

A few nice brain teasers

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wo nderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

4. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.


ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

4. The letter "e" - the most common letter in the English language - is missing from the entire paragraph!

Programmer

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Microsoft Engineer

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."