Three Tough Mouse

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?
When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

Old man guessing Age

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.


An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells. "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

घर चलाना

रामू : चाचा कैसे हो?
चाचा : अब क्या बताऊ
बड़ा बेटा शेयर ब्रोकर है,
दूसरा बेटा जेट एयर्वेस में है और,
तीसरा सॉफ्टवेर इंजिनियर है और,
सबसे छोटा पानवाला है , अब वही घर चला रहा है ।

Position Vs Performance

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED.'

Moral of the story: It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Khan Sahab

News reporter:
KHAN SAAB ye batain k plateform
par kharay saray pathan kaisay maray?
Pathan: aik elan hua k train plateform per aa rahi hai,
sub ne patri par chalang laga di.
Reporter:Phir aap kaisay buch gaye?
Pathan:main khudkushi k liye patri per leta tha,
ye elan suna to main plateform per ja ker lait gaya:)

Way to Heaven

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Blonde Selling Car

Blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it

Wife

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Meeting the Manager

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his
full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into
his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I
can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Whos Beer Best

After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top
brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.

The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in
the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him

The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world
worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."

The bartender serves him.

The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer,
drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."

The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.

The other brewery bosses were surprised and said, "Hey Vijay, how come
you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"

"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither will I"

The Salesman

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a Haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... This now had a button sewn on the end.

A Story

My friend lives in Delhi ... One day he went to Gurgaon to visit his
uncle for some days. One evening he and some other of my college
friendswent to Amit's home for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it
wasvery late. He reached Gurgaon around midnight.... ..

He had to walk about a mile from where his friend dropped him.... As he
waswalking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as it was
sodark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy looking guy
selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like
that..... It got the shivers on him when he noticed that da old guy is
unusually pale and staring at him...
The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you
company". Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of
his
life .........

My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his
collection.. he noticed that all the books were related to supernatural
activities.. .but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked
the
old man "how much is it?"....

The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an interesting book...it's
only
for Rs 250. "

My friend was shocked and said "but...but.. .it's expensive"

This time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My friend quickly
checked all his pockets & found Rs.200 & said "This is all
I hav e." The old guy replied "It's OK son ...you can have the book
for that price"

As ! my friend was just about to run for home...the old man called
back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book
to it's last page... remember these words or you would regret
it...!!!!!"

My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he
quickly asked his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller
nearby? The Uncle replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that
there's 1 old man comes once in a while during full moon nights but
heard
that there is something creepy about it...why son?"

My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just
asking". He started reading the book with the old man's words on
his mind. At night, 2 o'clock , as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew
which
chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had
blown
the pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said!
But we
humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped
to
the last page & fainted...

What he saw at the last page is stated below:
I too advise you not to go further down
Specially if you have a weak heart, I WARN YOU ......... ......









































.
Original price:-- Rs. 20/-
Promotional price:-- Rs. 10/-

A few nice brain teasers

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wo nderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

4. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.


ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

4. The letter "e" - the most common letter in the English language - is missing from the entire paragraph!

Programmer

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Microsoft Engineer

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

Engineer Joke

A declaration by an Engg. student at the end of paper

"I hereby declare that the answes written above are true to the best of my frind's knowledge & belief and I claim no resposobility of the correctness of the answers, all the i am writing are ficititous & are related to no real subject matter. Its just writtn for the sake of enjoyment. Any resemblance with correct answers is purely coincidential...........

Types of Girls

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t try to uninstall her … you will lose everything…